A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
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I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol