Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
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Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
i actually laughed 😩
Twitter is an abusement park.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.