Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
You Might Also Like
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Bryan Adams: 馃幍 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 馃幍
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Cats don鈥檛 understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 馃槝
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*