Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
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My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat