Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
You Might Also Like
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”