Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
You Might Also Like
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
getting corrected
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
this came to me in a vision
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.