I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
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*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.