This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
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If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Canadian owl: Eh?
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”