You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
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A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Webb. James Webb.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Passwords are more important than ever.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
WHY would you be happy about this?
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.