Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
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I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Sending in my taxes
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.