#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
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[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.