Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
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Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
That time Alicia messaged me
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9Âľ pounds.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys