Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
You Might Also Like
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*