I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
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A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”