Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
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[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
This is why I hate group projects
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.