If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
You Might Also Like
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
My favorite female superhero
Is your wife single?
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping