Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
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This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.