i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
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“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
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Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?