what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
You Might Also Like
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri