Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
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Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
My dog ate my work from home.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating