Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
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Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
the saddest jazz hands ever
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.