Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
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How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Banking tips
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
They’re the worst 😩
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.