Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
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My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.