Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
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I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
5 ways to appear taller
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Check out the legs on this baby
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”