I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
You Might Also Like
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
I WON A HAM TODAY
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.