I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
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16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.