I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
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Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Breaking news:
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.