Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
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[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?