This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
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Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
what
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.