If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
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Mood.. 😂
That’s enough internet for the day
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Monday Lisa
Before crowbars crows drank alone
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
kevin is now a local weatherman
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”