drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
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[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.