netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
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To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I drew y’all a little something.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry