Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
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Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.