So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
You Might Also Like
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good