Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
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Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
A small tragedy.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish