*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
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I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?