“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
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girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
i hate you platonically
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
If you want my opinion ask my wife
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that