Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
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I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
ibopfufen
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.