People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
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My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Guantanamo Bae
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail