Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
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Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination