I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
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Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers