I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
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Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
*jingles half the way*
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?