I have obtained a hat
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How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged