me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
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I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.