Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
You Might Also Like
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.