Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
You Might Also Like
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.