[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
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Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Just so funny
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no