me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
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One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
My dad.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this