in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
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What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn