Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
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I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Britain be like